At home with the me

Is it possible that we sometimes forget who we are? Or if we as human beings are constantly changing, malleable, that we transform, even if for brief moments, into someone we don't recognize? What happens when the person that we are now is completely different? Identity crisis? Not that an identity crisis is a bad thing, it can allow us to take a step back and really figure ourselves out. If we are fluid beings, then we are able to assume the property of liquid and take the shape of our container. We conform to our surroundings.

But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.

Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.

I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.

It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.

Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.