Timehop is an interesting app. I resisted downloading it after seeing so many people in my newsfeed using it, but it actually provides a very interesting look into my life over the last five (or so) years. Sure, I could just go back on my Facebook timeline and look at the entries from any given day. I like Timehop, though, because it curates a daily update for "this day in history."
In an interesting turn of events, the anniversaries of several big changes in my life of the last five years -- getting my own apartment in Lexington, parting ways with my old friend group, and finishing my degree/moving to Cincinnati -- are rapidly approaching. I've seen a bit of the prelude to this come through on my feed, peppered with other random anniversaries of times long forgotten. But it's interesting to see where my life was and how I was feeling about it at the time.
I've written before about how there was a point in my life where I did not feel comfortable enough with myself that I could go out to eat, to the movies, shopping, etc. I constantly had to have someone else around me to be able to do anything, maybe for fear that I'd miss out on something fun? I noticed that one day when I was going through my Facebook timeline, because I apparently like to stalk myself, and I had made a comment that some other people had hung out and it seemed snarky and jealous and sad. And most recently, I posted three years ago about wanting to hang out with people before school started and no one called.
And really, looking back at where I was even three years ago, I was very passive aggressive and negative in my social media habits. I posted a lot of subtweets and was vaguebooking a lot. I even used my blog as a way to subversively dig at people. But it wasn't until I made those significant life changes that I allowed myself to break free from that negativity and use social media in a much more positive manner.
Five years ago, I was attempting to start my second senior year of college after dropping off the planet during the previous semester. That ended up being a colossal mistake which took me back to college three years ago. And of course, there's 2013, the year that doesn't technically exist, which has its own share of ups and downs.
But the one thing that Timehop has shown me while I've been using it is how successful I was at Weight Watchers. I posted my progress every week, sometimes annoyingly so, but it kept me motivated. If I put my successes and failures out into space, then they were more tangible somehow. I need to start doing that again, I need to channel my success from three years ago and allow it to center me again.
No matter how things seemed five years ago, four years ago, and so on, I know that the Natasha of today is so much stronger than she was before. I was able to turn adversity into the thing that allowed me to hang on and come out all the better for my struggle. And here I am, after all this time, with amazing friends, getting ready to apply to graduate school at UK, and working full-time to support myself. It's a great feeling to know that with hard work you can turn everything around. I'm still able to spend time with my amazing friends and have a good time doing the things that I want to do.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
At home with the me
Is it possible that we sometimes forget who we are? Or if we as human beings are constantly changing, malleable, that we transform, even if for brief moments, into someone we don't recognize? What happens when the person that we are now is completely different? Identity crisis? Not that an identity crisis is a bad thing, it can allow us to take a step back and really figure ourselves out. If we are fluid beings, then we are able to assume the property of liquid and take the shape of our container. We conform to our surroundings.
But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.
Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.
I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.
It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.
Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.
But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.
Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.
I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.
It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.
Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Friend Makin’ Mondays: Randomly Getting to Know You
My friend Kenlie with All the Weigh is going to be taking a bit of a blogging break and to keep FMM going, she's enlisted another blogger. I'm excited to read Sarah's blog Losing Weight and Having Fun.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Getting Out of My Comfort Zone
I used to be the type of person who was uncomfortable in new situations. Meeting new people was difficult because I was always afraid if they would like me, which stems from the insecurity I had due to low self-esteem and a string of bad relationships. I was absolutely convinced that things would turn out wrong and I would be humiliated. It took hitting the lowest low to allow me to finally decide I wanted to get out of my comfort zone in the first of several ways.
Joining Weight Watchers was a big step for me. A healthy lifestyle and weight loss journey is not something to be taken lightly and it was a big deal for me to go to meetings and open up to other people. However, once I realized what meetings were all about and that it was a safe place, I really came alive and was very vocal. I even said once or twice that once I became a lifetime member, I'd love to be a leader. The girl who was practically scared of her own shadow would never have said that.
Similarly, going to the gym had always been a huge struggle for me. I knew what it was liked to be mocked, looked at strangely, and talked about because of my weight. I just assumed that it was going to be more of the same if I tried to go to the gym. Boy, was I surprised. While the gym I joined was frequented by a lot of bodybuilders and bros, I was pleasantly surprised at the attitude that everyone had. It was very inclusive and I felt at ease going there, except when I had to shank someone in order to get one of the treadmills with a TV.
Slowly but surely I started slipping away from my primary friend group. I had other friends here and there, but I'm talking about the people that I hung out with practically every day. I thought that we were close and we were at one point. But at some point things took a turn for the really bad and by the end of 2011, I was basically edged out of the group. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute, but there were a lot of mountains made out of molehills on all sides. Regardless, I hit a low point and thought that I would never recover. That was until I was invited to a Halloween party.
I never received party invitations. I didn't really know anyone who could invite me, save a friend that I stayed in pretty close contact with from college. This was different, though. This was all new people and it was a Halloween party. I came in straight from a late party at work and jumped right in to the action. I knew the hosts from Twitter, but had never met them. I tried not to talk too much so as not to embarrass myself, but when people started talking to me, I began to open up. And you know what? I had a good time. I put out of my mind the things that were causing me pain at the time and I just genuinely allowed myself to have fun. I had so much fun that I went to another party that the friend hosted and soon started hanging out with them fairly regularly to play board games and video games, and also to see movies. It was great.
Similarly, I met someone whom I now consider one of my best and truest friends because I put myself out of my comfort zone. I started working a new job and went back to school while this whole friend mess was really coming to a head and one evening in December of that year I was feeling particularly crummy and wanted some frozen yogurt. A college friend had posted on Facebook that she would be going to froyo and I said that I may swing by after work. I casually asked a girl that I work with if she liked frozen yogurt and if she had tried a new place that had opened up just that year. We decided to go and had a marvelous time. I probably word vomited way too much that evening as we stood in the parking lot on a cold December night, but it was nice to spend time with someone, even if you didn't know if you would do it again. Turns out, we would continue to hang out fairly regularly until I made the decision to move to Cincinnati. We talk almost every day some medium whether it be text, Twitter, or email. Even though we're miles apart, I know that she's constantly there for me. And that's an amazing feeling. I don't know if we would have hung out if I hadn't asked her if she liked frozen yogurt. (For some reason, I sang that in my head like "Do you wanna build a snowman?")
I made other great friends in this way, going to a weekly movie night, hanging out (and eventually working) at the local game shop, going to live art. I became a social butterfly. I met a lot of fantastic people and really found myself growing. In addition, I made myself do things like going to the movies or to get coffee by myself and it was liberating. The point is, if we don't get out of our comfort zones, no matter what they may be, if we don't put ourselves out there, then we can't expect to grow as people.
Edit: After thoughtful consideration, I wanted to add that I am now friends again with several people with whom I had parted ways. Putting yourself out there, trying to make amends is as much getting out of your comfort zone as trying to meet new people or experience new things. It's a big deal to admit that there was a problem before and to move forward to a more harmonious future. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with them and I am so happy that we're close again. It sure does mean a lot to know that we've all grown and matured as people and can maintain a healthy and positive friendship.
Joining Weight Watchers was a big step for me. A healthy lifestyle and weight loss journey is not something to be taken lightly and it was a big deal for me to go to meetings and open up to other people. However, once I realized what meetings were all about and that it was a safe place, I really came alive and was very vocal. I even said once or twice that once I became a lifetime member, I'd love to be a leader. The girl who was practically scared of her own shadow would never have said that.
Similarly, going to the gym had always been a huge struggle for me. I knew what it was liked to be mocked, looked at strangely, and talked about because of my weight. I just assumed that it was going to be more of the same if I tried to go to the gym. Boy, was I surprised. While the gym I joined was frequented by a lot of bodybuilders and bros, I was pleasantly surprised at the attitude that everyone had. It was very inclusive and I felt at ease going there, except when I had to shank someone in order to get one of the treadmills with a TV.
Slowly but surely I started slipping away from my primary friend group. I had other friends here and there, but I'm talking about the people that I hung out with practically every day. I thought that we were close and we were at one point. But at some point things took a turn for the really bad and by the end of 2011, I was basically edged out of the group. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute, but there were a lot of mountains made out of molehills on all sides. Regardless, I hit a low point and thought that I would never recover. That was until I was invited to a Halloween party.
I never received party invitations. I didn't really know anyone who could invite me, save a friend that I stayed in pretty close contact with from college. This was different, though. This was all new people and it was a Halloween party. I came in straight from a late party at work and jumped right in to the action. I knew the hosts from Twitter, but had never met them. I tried not to talk too much so as not to embarrass myself, but when people started talking to me, I began to open up. And you know what? I had a good time. I put out of my mind the things that were causing me pain at the time and I just genuinely allowed myself to have fun. I had so much fun that I went to another party that the friend hosted and soon started hanging out with them fairly regularly to play board games and video games, and also to see movies. It was great.
Similarly, I met someone whom I now consider one of my best and truest friends because I put myself out of my comfort zone. I started working a new job and went back to school while this whole friend mess was really coming to a head and one evening in December of that year I was feeling particularly crummy and wanted some frozen yogurt. A college friend had posted on Facebook that she would be going to froyo and I said that I may swing by after work. I casually asked a girl that I work with if she liked frozen yogurt and if she had tried a new place that had opened up just that year. We decided to go and had a marvelous time. I probably word vomited way too much that evening as we stood in the parking lot on a cold December night, but it was nice to spend time with someone, even if you didn't know if you would do it again. Turns out, we would continue to hang out fairly regularly until I made the decision to move to Cincinnati. We talk almost every day some medium whether it be text, Twitter, or email. Even though we're miles apart, I know that she's constantly there for me. And that's an amazing feeling. I don't know if we would have hung out if I hadn't asked her if she liked frozen yogurt. (For some reason, I sang that in my head like "Do you wanna build a snowman?")
I made other great friends in this way, going to a weekly movie night, hanging out (and eventually working) at the local game shop, going to live art. I became a social butterfly. I met a lot of fantastic people and really found myself growing. In addition, I made myself do things like going to the movies or to get coffee by myself and it was liberating. The point is, if we don't get out of our comfort zones, no matter what they may be, if we don't put ourselves out there, then we can't expect to grow as people.
Edit: After thoughtful consideration, I wanted to add that I am now friends again with several people with whom I had parted ways. Putting yourself out there, trying to make amends is as much getting out of your comfort zone as trying to meet new people or experience new things. It's a big deal to admit that there was a problem before and to move forward to a more harmonious future. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with them and I am so happy that we're close again. It sure does mean a lot to know that we've all grown and matured as people and can maintain a healthy and positive friendship.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Out of My Head
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