Timehop is an interesting app. I resisted downloading it after seeing so many people in my newsfeed using it, but it actually provides a very interesting look into my life over the last five (or so) years. Sure, I could just go back on my Facebook timeline and look at the entries from any given day. I like Timehop, though, because it curates a daily update for "this day in history."
In an interesting turn of events, the anniversaries of several big changes in my life of the last five years -- getting my own apartment in Lexington, parting ways with my old friend group, and finishing my degree/moving to Cincinnati -- are rapidly approaching. I've seen a bit of the prelude to this come through on my feed, peppered with other random anniversaries of times long forgotten. But it's interesting to see where my life was and how I was feeling about it at the time.
I've written before about how there was a point in my life where I did not feel comfortable enough with myself that I could go out to eat, to the movies, shopping, etc. I constantly had to have someone else around me to be able to do anything, maybe for fear that I'd miss out on something fun? I noticed that one day when I was going through my Facebook timeline, because I apparently like to stalk myself, and I had made a comment that some other people had hung out and it seemed snarky and jealous and sad. And most recently, I posted three years ago about wanting to hang out with people before school started and no one called.
And really, looking back at where I was even three years ago, I was very passive aggressive and negative in my social media habits. I posted a lot of subtweets and was vaguebooking a lot. I even used my blog as a way to subversively dig at people. But it wasn't until I made those significant life changes that I allowed myself to break free from that negativity and use social media in a much more positive manner.
Five years ago, I was attempting to start my second senior year of college after dropping off the planet during the previous semester. That ended up being a colossal mistake which took me back to college three years ago. And of course, there's 2013, the year that doesn't technically exist, which has its own share of ups and downs.
But the one thing that Timehop has shown me while I've been using it is how successful I was at Weight Watchers. I posted my progress every week, sometimes annoyingly so, but it kept me motivated. If I put my successes and failures out into space, then they were more tangible somehow. I need to start doing that again, I need to channel my success from three years ago and allow it to center me again.
No matter how things seemed five years ago, four years ago, and so on, I know that the Natasha of today is so much stronger than she was before. I was able to turn adversity into the thing that allowed me to hang on and come out all the better for my struggle. And here I am, after all this time, with amazing friends, getting ready to apply to graduate school at UK, and working full-time to support myself. It's a great feeling to know that with hard work you can turn everything around. I'm still able to spend time with my amazing friends and have a good time doing the things that I want to do.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
At home with the me
Is it possible that we sometimes forget who we are? Or if we as human beings are constantly changing, malleable, that we transform, even if for brief moments, into someone we don't recognize? What happens when the person that we are now is completely different? Identity crisis? Not that an identity crisis is a bad thing, it can allow us to take a step back and really figure ourselves out. If we are fluid beings, then we are able to assume the property of liquid and take the shape of our container. We conform to our surroundings.
But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.
Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.
I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.
It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.
Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.
But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.
Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.
I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.
It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.
Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.
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