Giving Thanks

The holiday season is certainly a time for reflection. I've been doing a great deal of that in the last three weeks, sharing memories, telling stories, sketching stories about my mom in words. This period has been the worst and when I say the worst, I mean the literal worst. Mom had been in ICU for several weeks and I kept getting worse and worse news. I put off coming home because I was moving, because work was busy, because if I waited, she'd be better and everything would be fine.

Her nurse said that I needed to come home as soon as I could, that if she was in my position, that's what she'd do. So, I left Lexington and drove as fast I could safely drive. I used the time to prepare myself for what was to come. I called my grandmother and asked a family friend to take her up to the hospital in case this was the end. I'm fortunate, however, that we got a little more time.

She and I prayed, we listened to gospel music, we talked about fun times, and she told me some things that she wanted me to do. We made promises to each other. We allowed ourselves the opportunity to just be. And we watched Hallmark movies on Halloween. It was the best.

I wish we had known how sick she was, that somehow the doctors would have known what to look for. I wish that we'd had even more time. I wish that I could have taken her away from the hospital for just one day. I wish I didn't feel like such a terrible daughter for not being there more and not being so busy.

I'm am so fortunate that I had 28 years on this planet with my mom. Things weren't always easy, she had almost 10 surgeries, countless more stays in the hospital, and more illness than one person should. But we made it through and we laughed and we had good times. We went on short trips and long trips and Sunday drives. We listened to the radio and drove whatever way the wind blew. 

In the quiet moments, she would ask me what was on my mind. I should have said, "Remembering this moment, wishing that it would last forever. And the moments will last forever in my heart. 

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I took a few of my last dollars and gave them to someone struggling on the side of the road and I paid for someone in line at Starbucks. Mom was so selfless, always putting my needs and wants before her own. She taught me to care about my fellow beings and I hope that I do her memory justice.

 I have tried to have a grateful heart today. Grateful because I had a mom who kept me safe and loved and who was always there when I needed her. Even when I had a bad dream in the middle of the night, I could call her and she would be there to help make the hurt go away. She was my sounding board, my constant cheerleader, and even if we were separated by 120 miles, I always felt her love with me. I'm grateful today to still feel her love.