Giving Thanks

The holiday season is certainly a time for reflection. I've been doing a great deal of that in the last three weeks, sharing memories, telling stories, sketching stories about my mom in words. This period has been the worst and when I say the worst, I mean the literal worst. Mom had been in ICU for several weeks and I kept getting worse and worse news. I put off coming home because I was moving, because work was busy, because if I waited, she'd be better and everything would be fine.

Her nurse said that I needed to come home as soon as I could, that if she was in my position, that's what she'd do. So, I left Lexington and drove as fast I could safely drive. I used the time to prepare myself for what was to come. I called my grandmother and asked a family friend to take her up to the hospital in case this was the end. I'm fortunate, however, that we got a little more time.

She and I prayed, we listened to gospel music, we talked about fun times, and she told me some things that she wanted me to do. We made promises to each other. We allowed ourselves the opportunity to just be. And we watched Hallmark movies on Halloween. It was the best.

I wish we had known how sick she was, that somehow the doctors would have known what to look for. I wish that we'd had even more time. I wish that I could have taken her away from the hospital for just one day. I wish I didn't feel like such a terrible daughter for not being there more and not being so busy.

I'm am so fortunate that I had 28 years on this planet with my mom. Things weren't always easy, she had almost 10 surgeries, countless more stays in the hospital, and more illness than one person should. But we made it through and we laughed and we had good times. We went on short trips and long trips and Sunday drives. We listened to the radio and drove whatever way the wind blew. 

In the quiet moments, she would ask me what was on my mind. I should have said, "Remembering this moment, wishing that it would last forever. And the moments will last forever in my heart. 

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I took a few of my last dollars and gave them to someone struggling on the side of the road and I paid for someone in line at Starbucks. Mom was so selfless, always putting my needs and wants before her own. She taught me to care about my fellow beings and I hope that I do her memory justice.

 I have tried to have a grateful heart today. Grateful because I had a mom who kept me safe and loved and who was always there when I needed her. Even when I had a bad dream in the middle of the night, I could call her and she would be there to help make the hurt go away. She was my sounding board, my constant cheerleader, and even if we were separated by 120 miles, I always felt her love with me. I'm grateful today to still feel her love. 

Coming out of the dark

I had such an overwhelming response of kindness for my last post. I've been blogging at KGG for so long that the idea of writing a personal blog had really fallen by the wayside. It's funny, considering it actually started as more of a personal blog. Anyhoo, I like the idea of sharing my personal thoughts and feelings, of chronicling my search to find my place, celebrating who I am. I'll never have enough for a book or won't be featured in the pages of women's magazines, but on some level this help me, and I guess that really is all that matters.

After a significant amount of disappointment through February and March, the last week has proven to shine through a glimmer of hope. I've had to interviews and another this coming Monday. One is a temporary position, but could yield something permanent if my work is well-liked. The other two positions come with personal recommendations, so I'm hoping that something comes through.

I'm still waiting on a decision about my graduate school application. I'm hoping that they don't just wait until April 15 to send out their rejections. I applied in February, by golly. I missed my TA deadline, but I can always apply next year. In the mean time, I'll apply for a new program scholarship and hope that it might come through. I've always known that an advanced degree was going to be necessary, especially in them museum and nonprofit world, but I'm seeing how lucky those who only have a BA are. Some of them got their BA 20-25 years ago and have been working their way up through the field, while someone now practically has to get a MA to even be considered for jobs.

The job search has caused a lot of reflection and I realized that I've spent so long obsessing about finding what I thought was the perfect job that I've never allowed myself to be happy. I left one organization for another in the fall because I thought that I would obtain more skills and learn more, but I left after only 3 months. I should have slowed down, weighed the options (and risks), and made absolutely certain what I was doing was the best option, especially when the pay was a dollar less and the benefits were terrible. I honestly now don't even know what I was thinking. I'm trying not to dwell, not to beat up on myself.

I have been meeting so many new people and making contacts. I didn't want to do anything this winter, I had no desire to get out of the house, but with spring comes possibility. I've taken a volunteer management class, talked with other members of the history community, and am working on getting my hands into some different volunteer projects. This is helped me break out of being so hyper-focused on finding a job in a museum. I have a lot to offer the entire world, not just the museum world. I was so obsessed with trying to rebuild one organization that I allowed myself to become a full-time volunteer, to give all of my time and talent with very little appreciation. I'll more than likely reflect on that later.

Some days are good, some are bad. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and not get too caught up in my own head. I think my darkest days might be behind me.

'Til I Shatter

I've given a lot of thought to posting over the last few months. At the time of my last entry, I had a great job was generally living life with relative ease. It was a nice feeling, considering I had moved to Lexington in March with the hopes of finding a job fairly quickly. That was not to be and I merely existed for months until I was offered a position with my previous employer. I say previous because I left that employer on Halloween to take a job with another organization. I thought that I was moving on up, that I had my eyes on the prize and that I was going to be learning and doing new things that would ultimately aid me on down the road. That was not to be, either.

I've been unemployed since November 12. There was a cloud hanging over the job that I took and started on November 3. It burst when I was dismissed following an absence for being sick (with doctor's excuse) and a trip to Flatwoods to be with my grandma and my mom who was hospitalized for the third time that year. It was awful, I knew that something was going to happen the moment that I chose family over job and it did. So, my mom still in the hospital, I came back to Lexington in order to save face. But I was dismissed that Wednesday after my supervisor spoke with a board member and they decided that I wasn't worth the risk. I collected my things and left in stunned silence.

I've been applying for every nonprofit job that fits my interests and skillset. I've had many interviews, but nothing's happened for me and it's starting to wear me down. To boot, I've spent nearly as much time in Eastern KY since November as I have in Lexington. I'm not complaining about that and I'm trying not to complain about my lack of employment (very much) when I know that there are people in the world who are going through so much more than I could even fathom. And I know that I'm not the only person who has ever been unemployed. It just makes me tired. Like, sleep until noon, but never fully rested. Exhausted from the weight of worry.

I've broken down a few times. I try not to because I find that it serves no purpose and I am afraid that people are tired of hearing me talk about my problems. That my mom is tired of hearing me cry. What I have done, more than anything, is turn to food for comfort. Being in Flatwoods is like an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. I'm not limited in anything and can have whatever I want, much to my own detriment. My lethargy has also affected what was formerly a pretty solid exercise routine. Everything I do is half-hearted. Normally I would be so excited for the upcoming convention season, but with the amount of weight that I have gained, I'm embarrassed to even go. I've become so angry at myself for using food as a crutch, for destroying all of my hard work. And I wonder if I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of not being able to get a job because of my weight, but continued depression due to not having a job.

Things are not good right now, but I know they can only get better. I will continue to pursue every opportunity that I can and in the mean time, I'm working on getting better. I have an appointment this week with a counselor to help stave off the anxiety and depression. I try to spend time with friends as much as possible. With the days growing longer, I know that the harsh cold of winter is almost over and I will be able to spend more time in the sun. If anyone has wondered if Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing, I can assure you that it is. I need to reach into the past and channel Natasha of 2012. I need to be her again, not the girl that has been broken by the disappointments of 2013 and 2014. I need to reclaim 2015 for myself so I can move forward. But for the rest of today, I'm sitting on the love seat under my quilt.