'Til I Shatter

I've given a lot of thought to posting over the last few months. At the time of my last entry, I had a great job was generally living life with relative ease. It was a nice feeling, considering I had moved to Lexington in March with the hopes of finding a job fairly quickly. That was not to be and I merely existed for months until I was offered a position with my previous employer. I say previous because I left that employer on Halloween to take a job with another organization. I thought that I was moving on up, that I had my eyes on the prize and that I was going to be learning and doing new things that would ultimately aid me on down the road. That was not to be, either.

I've been unemployed since November 12. There was a cloud hanging over the job that I took and started on November 3. It burst when I was dismissed following an absence for being sick (with doctor's excuse) and a trip to Flatwoods to be with my grandma and my mom who was hospitalized for the third time that year. It was awful, I knew that something was going to happen the moment that I chose family over job and it did. So, my mom still in the hospital, I came back to Lexington in order to save face. But I was dismissed that Wednesday after my supervisor spoke with a board member and they decided that I wasn't worth the risk. I collected my things and left in stunned silence.

I've been applying for every nonprofit job that fits my interests and skillset. I've had many interviews, but nothing's happened for me and it's starting to wear me down. To boot, I've spent nearly as much time in Eastern KY since November as I have in Lexington. I'm not complaining about that and I'm trying not to complain about my lack of employment (very much) when I know that there are people in the world who are going through so much more than I could even fathom. And I know that I'm not the only person who has ever been unemployed. It just makes me tired. Like, sleep until noon, but never fully rested. Exhausted from the weight of worry.

I've broken down a few times. I try not to because I find that it serves no purpose and I am afraid that people are tired of hearing me talk about my problems. That my mom is tired of hearing me cry. What I have done, more than anything, is turn to food for comfort. Being in Flatwoods is like an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. I'm not limited in anything and can have whatever I want, much to my own detriment. My lethargy has also affected what was formerly a pretty solid exercise routine. Everything I do is half-hearted. Normally I would be so excited for the upcoming convention season, but with the amount of weight that I have gained, I'm embarrassed to even go. I've become so angry at myself for using food as a crutch, for destroying all of my hard work. And I wonder if I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of not being able to get a job because of my weight, but continued depression due to not having a job.

Things are not good right now, but I know they can only get better. I will continue to pursue every opportunity that I can and in the mean time, I'm working on getting better. I have an appointment this week with a counselor to help stave off the anxiety and depression. I try to spend time with friends as much as possible. With the days growing longer, I know that the harsh cold of winter is almost over and I will be able to spend more time in the sun. If anyone has wondered if Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing, I can assure you that it is. I need to reach into the past and channel Natasha of 2012. I need to be her again, not the girl that has been broken by the disappointments of 2013 and 2014. I need to reclaim 2015 for myself so I can move forward. But for the rest of today, I'm sitting on the love seat under my quilt.