Giving Thanks

The holiday season is certainly a time for reflection. I've been doing a great deal of that in the last three weeks, sharing memories, telling stories, sketching stories about my mom in words. This period has been the worst and when I say the worst, I mean the literal worst. Mom had been in ICU for several weeks and I kept getting worse and worse news. I put off coming home because I was moving, because work was busy, because if I waited, she'd be better and everything would be fine.

Her nurse said that I needed to come home as soon as I could, that if she was in my position, that's what she'd do. So, I left Lexington and drove as fast I could safely drive. I used the time to prepare myself for what was to come. I called my grandmother and asked a family friend to take her up to the hospital in case this was the end. I'm fortunate, however, that we got a little more time.

She and I prayed, we listened to gospel music, we talked about fun times, and she told me some things that she wanted me to do. We made promises to each other. We allowed ourselves the opportunity to just be. And we watched Hallmark movies on Halloween. It was the best.

I wish we had known how sick she was, that somehow the doctors would have known what to look for. I wish that we'd had even more time. I wish that I could have taken her away from the hospital for just one day. I wish I didn't feel like such a terrible daughter for not being there more and not being so busy.

I'm am so fortunate that I had 28 years on this planet with my mom. Things weren't always easy, she had almost 10 surgeries, countless more stays in the hospital, and more illness than one person should. But we made it through and we laughed and we had good times. We went on short trips and long trips and Sunday drives. We listened to the radio and drove whatever way the wind blew. 

In the quiet moments, she would ask me what was on my mind. I should have said, "Remembering this moment, wishing that it would last forever. And the moments will last forever in my heart. 

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I took a few of my last dollars and gave them to someone struggling on the side of the road and I paid for someone in line at Starbucks. Mom was so selfless, always putting my needs and wants before her own. She taught me to care about my fellow beings and I hope that I do her memory justice.

 I have tried to have a grateful heart today. Grateful because I had a mom who kept me safe and loved and who was always there when I needed her. Even when I had a bad dream in the middle of the night, I could call her and she would be there to help make the hurt go away. She was my sounding board, my constant cheerleader, and even if we were separated by 120 miles, I always felt her love with me. I'm grateful today to still feel her love. 

'Til I Shatter

I've given a lot of thought to posting over the last few months. At the time of my last entry, I had a great job was generally living life with relative ease. It was a nice feeling, considering I had moved to Lexington in March with the hopes of finding a job fairly quickly. That was not to be and I merely existed for months until I was offered a position with my previous employer. I say previous because I left that employer on Halloween to take a job with another organization. I thought that I was moving on up, that I had my eyes on the prize and that I was going to be learning and doing new things that would ultimately aid me on down the road. That was not to be, either.

I've been unemployed since November 12. There was a cloud hanging over the job that I took and started on November 3. It burst when I was dismissed following an absence for being sick (with doctor's excuse) and a trip to Flatwoods to be with my grandma and my mom who was hospitalized for the third time that year. It was awful, I knew that something was going to happen the moment that I chose family over job and it did. So, my mom still in the hospital, I came back to Lexington in order to save face. But I was dismissed that Wednesday after my supervisor spoke with a board member and they decided that I wasn't worth the risk. I collected my things and left in stunned silence.

I've been applying for every nonprofit job that fits my interests and skillset. I've had many interviews, but nothing's happened for me and it's starting to wear me down. To boot, I've spent nearly as much time in Eastern KY since November as I have in Lexington. I'm not complaining about that and I'm trying not to complain about my lack of employment (very much) when I know that there are people in the world who are going through so much more than I could even fathom. And I know that I'm not the only person who has ever been unemployed. It just makes me tired. Like, sleep until noon, but never fully rested. Exhausted from the weight of worry.

I've broken down a few times. I try not to because I find that it serves no purpose and I am afraid that people are tired of hearing me talk about my problems. That my mom is tired of hearing me cry. What I have done, more than anything, is turn to food for comfort. Being in Flatwoods is like an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. I'm not limited in anything and can have whatever I want, much to my own detriment. My lethargy has also affected what was formerly a pretty solid exercise routine. Everything I do is half-hearted. Normally I would be so excited for the upcoming convention season, but with the amount of weight that I have gained, I'm embarrassed to even go. I've become so angry at myself for using food as a crutch, for destroying all of my hard work. And I wonder if I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of not being able to get a job because of my weight, but continued depression due to not having a job.

Things are not good right now, but I know they can only get better. I will continue to pursue every opportunity that I can and in the mean time, I'm working on getting better. I have an appointment this week with a counselor to help stave off the anxiety and depression. I try to spend time with friends as much as possible. With the days growing longer, I know that the harsh cold of winter is almost over and I will be able to spend more time in the sun. If anyone has wondered if Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing, I can assure you that it is. I need to reach into the past and channel Natasha of 2012. I need to be her again, not the girl that has been broken by the disappointments of 2013 and 2014. I need to reclaim 2015 for myself so I can move forward. But for the rest of today, I'm sitting on the love seat under my quilt.

Getting Out of My Comfort Zone

I used to be the type of person who was uncomfortable in new situations. Meeting new people was difficult because I was always afraid if they would like me, which stems from the insecurity I had due to low self-esteem and a string of bad relationships. I was absolutely convinced that things would turn out wrong and I would be humiliated. It took hitting the lowest low to allow me to finally decide I wanted to get out of my comfort zone in the first of several ways.

Joining Weight Watchers was a big step for me. A healthy lifestyle and weight loss journey is not something to be taken lightly and it was a big deal for me to go to meetings and open up to other people. However, once I realized what meetings were all about and that it was a safe place, I really came alive and was very vocal. I even said once or twice that once I became a lifetime member, I'd love to be a leader. The girl who was practically scared of her own shadow would never have said that.



Similarly, going to the gym had always been a huge struggle for me. I knew what it was liked to be mocked, looked at strangely, and talked about because of my weight. I just assumed that it was going to be more of the same if I tried to go to the gym. Boy, was I surprised. While the gym I joined was frequented by a lot of bodybuilders and bros, I was pleasantly surprised at the attitude that everyone had. It was very inclusive and I felt at ease going there, except when I had to shank someone in order to get one of the treadmills with a TV.



Slowly but surely I started slipping away from my primary friend group. I had other friends here and there, but I'm talking about the people that I hung out with practically every day. I thought that we were close and we were at one point. But at some point things took a turn for the really bad and by the end of 2011, I was basically edged out of the group. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute, but there were a lot of mountains made out of molehills on all sides. Regardless, I hit a low point and thought that I would never recover. That was until I was invited to a Halloween party.

I never received party invitations. I didn't really know anyone who could invite me, save a friend that I stayed in pretty close contact with from college. This was different, though. This was all new people and it was a Halloween party. I came in straight from a late party at work and jumped right in to the action. I knew the hosts from Twitter, but had never met them. I tried not to talk too much so as not to embarrass myself, but when people started talking to me, I began to open up. And you know what? I had a good time. I put out of my mind the things that were causing me pain at the time and I just genuinely allowed myself to have fun. I had so much fun that I went to another party that the friend hosted and soon started hanging out with them fairly regularly to play board games and video games, and also to see movies. It was great.

Similarly, I met someone whom I now consider one of my best and truest friends because I put myself out of my comfort zone. I started working a new job and went back to school while this whole friend mess was really coming to a head and one evening in December of that year I was feeling particularly crummy and wanted some frozen yogurt. A college friend had posted on Facebook that she would be going to froyo and I said that I may swing by after work. I casually asked a girl that I work with if she liked frozen yogurt and if she had tried a new place that had opened up just that year. We decided to go and had a marvelous time. I probably word vomited way too much that evening as we stood in the parking lot on a cold December night, but it was nice to spend time with someone, even if you didn't know if you would do it again. Turns out, we would continue to hang out fairly regularly until I made the decision to move to Cincinnati. We talk almost every day some medium whether it be text, Twitter, or email. Even though we're miles apart, I know that she's constantly there for me. And that's an amazing feeling. I don't know if we would have hung out if I hadn't asked her if she liked frozen yogurt. (For some reason, I sang that in my head like "Do you wanna build a snowman?")



I made other great friends in this way, going to a weekly movie night, hanging out (and eventually working) at the local game shop, going to live art. I became a social butterfly. I met a lot of fantastic people and really found myself growing. In addition, I made myself do things like going to the movies or to get coffee by myself and it was liberating. The point is, if we don't get out of our comfort zones, no matter what they may be, if we don't put ourselves out there, then we can't expect to grow as people.

Edit: After thoughtful consideration, I wanted to add that I am now friends again with several people with whom I had parted ways. Putting yourself out there, trying to make amends is as much getting out of your comfort zone as trying to meet new people or experience new things. It's a big deal to admit that there was a problem before and to move forward to a more harmonious future. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with them and I am so happy that we're close again. It sure does mean a lot to know that we've all grown and matured as people and can maintain a healthy and positive friendship.

Out of My Head

Once upon a time I had a blog called Tasha Gets Healthy, which still exists in a limited form on Wordpress. It where all of my thoughts and progress related to my weight loss journey lived and I was moderately consistent with it over the course of a year and a half. It took me that long to lose 100 pounds and I was incredibly elated and proud. I maintained that success for a few months, but I started yoyo-ing and have been on an upward yo-yo since the beginning of 2013. So, for a year, I've been dealing with the fact that I have gained back 40 of my 100 pounds lost.