Giving Thanks

The holiday season is certainly a time for reflection. I've been doing a great deal of that in the last three weeks, sharing memories, telling stories, sketching stories about my mom in words. This period has been the worst and when I say the worst, I mean the literal worst. Mom had been in ICU for several weeks and I kept getting worse and worse news. I put off coming home because I was moving, because work was busy, because if I waited, she'd be better and everything would be fine.

Her nurse said that I needed to come home as soon as I could, that if she was in my position, that's what she'd do. So, I left Lexington and drove as fast I could safely drive. I used the time to prepare myself for what was to come. I called my grandmother and asked a family friend to take her up to the hospital in case this was the end. I'm fortunate, however, that we got a little more time.

She and I prayed, we listened to gospel music, we talked about fun times, and she told me some things that she wanted me to do. We made promises to each other. We allowed ourselves the opportunity to just be. And we watched Hallmark movies on Halloween. It was the best.

I wish we had known how sick she was, that somehow the doctors would have known what to look for. I wish that we'd had even more time. I wish that I could have taken her away from the hospital for just one day. I wish I didn't feel like such a terrible daughter for not being there more and not being so busy.

I'm am so fortunate that I had 28 years on this planet with my mom. Things weren't always easy, she had almost 10 surgeries, countless more stays in the hospital, and more illness than one person should. But we made it through and we laughed and we had good times. We went on short trips and long trips and Sunday drives. We listened to the radio and drove whatever way the wind blew. 

In the quiet moments, she would ask me what was on my mind. I should have said, "Remembering this moment, wishing that it would last forever. And the moments will last forever in my heart. 

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I took a few of my last dollars and gave them to someone struggling on the side of the road and I paid for someone in line at Starbucks. Mom was so selfless, always putting my needs and wants before her own. She taught me to care about my fellow beings and I hope that I do her memory justice.

 I have tried to have a grateful heart today. Grateful because I had a mom who kept me safe and loved and who was always there when I needed her. Even when I had a bad dream in the middle of the night, I could call her and she would be there to help make the hurt go away. She was my sounding board, my constant cheerleader, and even if we were separated by 120 miles, I always felt her love with me. I'm grateful today to still feel her love. 

Coming out of the dark

I had such an overwhelming response of kindness for my last post. I've been blogging at KGG for so long that the idea of writing a personal blog had really fallen by the wayside. It's funny, considering it actually started as more of a personal blog. Anyhoo, I like the idea of sharing my personal thoughts and feelings, of chronicling my search to find my place, celebrating who I am. I'll never have enough for a book or won't be featured in the pages of women's magazines, but on some level this help me, and I guess that really is all that matters.

After a significant amount of disappointment through February and March, the last week has proven to shine through a glimmer of hope. I've had to interviews and another this coming Monday. One is a temporary position, but could yield something permanent if my work is well-liked. The other two positions come with personal recommendations, so I'm hoping that something comes through.

I'm still waiting on a decision about my graduate school application. I'm hoping that they don't just wait until April 15 to send out their rejections. I applied in February, by golly. I missed my TA deadline, but I can always apply next year. In the mean time, I'll apply for a new program scholarship and hope that it might come through. I've always known that an advanced degree was going to be necessary, especially in them museum and nonprofit world, but I'm seeing how lucky those who only have a BA are. Some of them got their BA 20-25 years ago and have been working their way up through the field, while someone now practically has to get a MA to even be considered for jobs.

The job search has caused a lot of reflection and I realized that I've spent so long obsessing about finding what I thought was the perfect job that I've never allowed myself to be happy. I left one organization for another in the fall because I thought that I would obtain more skills and learn more, but I left after only 3 months. I should have slowed down, weighed the options (and risks), and made absolutely certain what I was doing was the best option, especially when the pay was a dollar less and the benefits were terrible. I honestly now don't even know what I was thinking. I'm trying not to dwell, not to beat up on myself.

I have been meeting so many new people and making contacts. I didn't want to do anything this winter, I had no desire to get out of the house, but with spring comes possibility. I've taken a volunteer management class, talked with other members of the history community, and am working on getting my hands into some different volunteer projects. This is helped me break out of being so hyper-focused on finding a job in a museum. I have a lot to offer the entire world, not just the museum world. I was so obsessed with trying to rebuild one organization that I allowed myself to become a full-time volunteer, to give all of my time and talent with very little appreciation. I'll more than likely reflect on that later.

Some days are good, some are bad. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and not get too caught up in my own head. I think my darkest days might be behind me.

'Til I Shatter

I've given a lot of thought to posting over the last few months. At the time of my last entry, I had a great job was generally living life with relative ease. It was a nice feeling, considering I had moved to Lexington in March with the hopes of finding a job fairly quickly. That was not to be and I merely existed for months until I was offered a position with my previous employer. I say previous because I left that employer on Halloween to take a job with another organization. I thought that I was moving on up, that I had my eyes on the prize and that I was going to be learning and doing new things that would ultimately aid me on down the road. That was not to be, either.

I've been unemployed since November 12. There was a cloud hanging over the job that I took and started on November 3. It burst when I was dismissed following an absence for being sick (with doctor's excuse) and a trip to Flatwoods to be with my grandma and my mom who was hospitalized for the third time that year. It was awful, I knew that something was going to happen the moment that I chose family over job and it did. So, my mom still in the hospital, I came back to Lexington in order to save face. But I was dismissed that Wednesday after my supervisor spoke with a board member and they decided that I wasn't worth the risk. I collected my things and left in stunned silence.

I've been applying for every nonprofit job that fits my interests and skillset. I've had many interviews, but nothing's happened for me and it's starting to wear me down. To boot, I've spent nearly as much time in Eastern KY since November as I have in Lexington. I'm not complaining about that and I'm trying not to complain about my lack of employment (very much) when I know that there are people in the world who are going through so much more than I could even fathom. And I know that I'm not the only person who has ever been unemployed. It just makes me tired. Like, sleep until noon, but never fully rested. Exhausted from the weight of worry.

I've broken down a few times. I try not to because I find that it serves no purpose and I am afraid that people are tired of hearing me talk about my problems. That my mom is tired of hearing me cry. What I have done, more than anything, is turn to food for comfort. Being in Flatwoods is like an all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. I'm not limited in anything and can have whatever I want, much to my own detriment. My lethargy has also affected what was formerly a pretty solid exercise routine. Everything I do is half-hearted. Normally I would be so excited for the upcoming convention season, but with the amount of weight that I have gained, I'm embarrassed to even go. I've become so angry at myself for using food as a crutch, for destroying all of my hard work. And I wonder if I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of not being able to get a job because of my weight, but continued depression due to not having a job.

Things are not good right now, but I know they can only get better. I will continue to pursue every opportunity that I can and in the mean time, I'm working on getting better. I have an appointment this week with a counselor to help stave off the anxiety and depression. I try to spend time with friends as much as possible. With the days growing longer, I know that the harsh cold of winter is almost over and I will be able to spend more time in the sun. If anyone has wondered if Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing, I can assure you that it is. I need to reach into the past and channel Natasha of 2012. I need to be her again, not the girl that has been broken by the disappointments of 2013 and 2014. I need to reclaim 2015 for myself so I can move forward. But for the rest of today, I'm sitting on the love seat under my quilt.

The last five years

Timehop is an interesting app. I resisted downloading it after seeing so many people in my newsfeed using it, but it actually provides a very interesting look into my life over the last five (or so) years. Sure, I could just go back on my Facebook timeline and look at the entries from any given day. I like Timehop, though, because it curates a daily update for "this day in history."

In an interesting turn of events, the anniversaries of several big changes in my life of the last five years -- getting my own apartment in Lexington, parting ways with my old friend group, and finishing my degree/moving to Cincinnati -- are rapidly approaching. I've seen a bit of the prelude to this come through on my feed, peppered with other random anniversaries of times long forgotten. But it's interesting to see where my life was and how I was feeling about it at the time.

I've written before about how there was a point in my life where I did not feel comfortable enough with myself that I could go out to eat, to the movies, shopping, etc. I constantly had to have someone else around me to be able to do anything, maybe for fear that I'd miss out on something fun? I noticed that one day when I was going through my Facebook timeline, because I apparently like to stalk myself, and I had made a comment that some other people had hung out and it seemed snarky and jealous and sad. And most recently, I posted three years ago about wanting to hang out with people before school started and no one called.

And really, looking back at where I was even three years ago, I was very passive aggressive and negative in my social media habits. I posted a lot of subtweets and was vaguebooking a lot. I even used my blog as a way to subversively dig at people. But it wasn't until I made those significant life changes that I allowed myself to break free from that negativity and use social media in a much more positive manner.

Five years ago, I was attempting to start my second senior year of college after dropping off the planet during the previous semester. That ended up being a colossal mistake which took me back to college three years ago. And of course, there's 2013, the year that doesn't technically exist, which has its own share of ups and downs.

But the one thing that Timehop has shown me while I've been using it is how successful I was at Weight Watchers. I posted my progress every week, sometimes annoyingly so, but it kept me motivated. If I put my successes and failures out into space, then they were more tangible somehow. I need to start doing that again, I need to channel my success from three years ago and allow it to center me again.

No matter how things seemed five years ago, four years ago, and so on, I know that the Natasha of today is so much stronger than she was before. I was able to turn adversity into the thing that allowed me to hang on and come out all the better for my struggle.  And here I am, after all this time, with amazing friends, getting ready to apply to graduate school at UK, and working full-time to support myself. It's a great feeling to know that with hard work you can turn everything around. I'm still able to spend time with my amazing friends and have a good time doing the things that I want to do.

At home with the me

Is it possible that we sometimes forget who we are? Or if we as human beings are constantly changing, malleable, that we transform, even if for brief moments, into someone we don't recognize? What happens when the person that we are now is completely different? Identity crisis? Not that an identity crisis is a bad thing, it can allow us to take a step back and really figure ourselves out. If we are fluid beings, then we are able to assume the property of liquid and take the shape of our container. We conform to our surroundings.

But conformity without realizing it can be problematic. For example, if you have been living a certain way for awhile and suddenly someone from your past comes back into your life, it is easy to adapt your behavior or fall back to doing things the way you used to. It is possible to lose yourself to the comfort of an old friend. Therein comes a struggle between who you once were and the person that you have become. Likewise, there is a problem of conformity to fit in with a certain group or try and make yourself seem more desirable or noticeable.

Last year, I wrote on my old blog that I wasn't worried about finding Mr. Right, that neither dating nor marriage were in my five year plan. Just later in the summer after I wrote that, I allowed myself to get caught up in something that disrupted that. I became involved with someone with whom I created a false sense of happiness and when it ended rather abruptly, I began trying much too hard to overcompensate for what I was afraid was a shortcoming on my part. I thought that because I was feeling the sting of rejection, I was somehow doing something wrong, or not doing enough. So, I created a new online dating profile and I thought that putting myself out there as much as possible would solve these problems. I thought that I would be able to find my fulfillment out of seeking something that deep down I knew that I didn't even want. I was so wrong.

I was never able to make a commitment to any plans that I talked about with any person that I was "talking" to on the various dating services. My heart just wasn't in it. And I realize now that sex and dating just aren't in my plan. I had said last year that I have to focus on myself, that I have too much going on, too many irons in the fire to worry about that facet of my life. It took many months of worrying about my self-worth to realize that it's okay for me not to pursue any sort of romantic relationship or any of the sort. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment last year, but it was for the wrong reasons. And for that moment, I forgot who I was.

It may have taken a year of dating profile changes, chickening out on following through with potential matches, and thinking that I was somehow defective for not making all this more of a priority, but I'm finally good again. I've been able to recenter myself, remind myself of what it is that I find important, and put myself back on the track of self-care and a commitment to myself, not what I think that other want me to be.

Clarity is, for what it's worth, a nice thing to have and it allows you to get back to being yourself, no matter which self it is that you choose to be.

Friend Makin’ Mondays: Randomly Getting to Know You

My friend Kenlie with All the Weigh is going to be taking a bit of a blogging break and to keep FMM going, she's enlisted another blogger. I'm excited to read Sarah's blog Losing Weight and Having Fun.

Getting Out of My Comfort Zone

I used to be the type of person who was uncomfortable in new situations. Meeting new people was difficult because I was always afraid if they would like me, which stems from the insecurity I had due to low self-esteem and a string of bad relationships. I was absolutely convinced that things would turn out wrong and I would be humiliated. It took hitting the lowest low to allow me to finally decide I wanted to get out of my comfort zone in the first of several ways.

Joining Weight Watchers was a big step for me. A healthy lifestyle and weight loss journey is not something to be taken lightly and it was a big deal for me to go to meetings and open up to other people. However, once I realized what meetings were all about and that it was a safe place, I really came alive and was very vocal. I even said once or twice that once I became a lifetime member, I'd love to be a leader. The girl who was practically scared of her own shadow would never have said that.



Similarly, going to the gym had always been a huge struggle for me. I knew what it was liked to be mocked, looked at strangely, and talked about because of my weight. I just assumed that it was going to be more of the same if I tried to go to the gym. Boy, was I surprised. While the gym I joined was frequented by a lot of bodybuilders and bros, I was pleasantly surprised at the attitude that everyone had. It was very inclusive and I felt at ease going there, except when I had to shank someone in order to get one of the treadmills with a TV.



Slowly but surely I started slipping away from my primary friend group. I had other friends here and there, but I'm talking about the people that I hung out with practically every day. I thought that we were close and we were at one point. But at some point things took a turn for the really bad and by the end of 2011, I was basically edged out of the group. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute, but there were a lot of mountains made out of molehills on all sides. Regardless, I hit a low point and thought that I would never recover. That was until I was invited to a Halloween party.

I never received party invitations. I didn't really know anyone who could invite me, save a friend that I stayed in pretty close contact with from college. This was different, though. This was all new people and it was a Halloween party. I came in straight from a late party at work and jumped right in to the action. I knew the hosts from Twitter, but had never met them. I tried not to talk too much so as not to embarrass myself, but when people started talking to me, I began to open up. And you know what? I had a good time. I put out of my mind the things that were causing me pain at the time and I just genuinely allowed myself to have fun. I had so much fun that I went to another party that the friend hosted and soon started hanging out with them fairly regularly to play board games and video games, and also to see movies. It was great.

Similarly, I met someone whom I now consider one of my best and truest friends because I put myself out of my comfort zone. I started working a new job and went back to school while this whole friend mess was really coming to a head and one evening in December of that year I was feeling particularly crummy and wanted some frozen yogurt. A college friend had posted on Facebook that she would be going to froyo and I said that I may swing by after work. I casually asked a girl that I work with if she liked frozen yogurt and if she had tried a new place that had opened up just that year. We decided to go and had a marvelous time. I probably word vomited way too much that evening as we stood in the parking lot on a cold December night, but it was nice to spend time with someone, even if you didn't know if you would do it again. Turns out, we would continue to hang out fairly regularly until I made the decision to move to Cincinnati. We talk almost every day some medium whether it be text, Twitter, or email. Even though we're miles apart, I know that she's constantly there for me. And that's an amazing feeling. I don't know if we would have hung out if I hadn't asked her if she liked frozen yogurt. (For some reason, I sang that in my head like "Do you wanna build a snowman?")



I made other great friends in this way, going to a weekly movie night, hanging out (and eventually working) at the local game shop, going to live art. I became a social butterfly. I met a lot of fantastic people and really found myself growing. In addition, I made myself do things like going to the movies or to get coffee by myself and it was liberating. The point is, if we don't get out of our comfort zones, no matter what they may be, if we don't put ourselves out there, then we can't expect to grow as people.

Edit: After thoughtful consideration, I wanted to add that I am now friends again with several people with whom I had parted ways. Putting yourself out there, trying to make amends is as much getting out of your comfort zone as trying to meet new people or experience new things. It's a big deal to admit that there was a problem before and to move forward to a more harmonious future. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to reconcile with them and I am so happy that we're close again. It sure does mean a lot to know that we've all grown and matured as people and can maintain a healthy and positive friendship.